This post is a long-delayed continuation of one from April last year. Good thing I was slow—there’ve been big advances in bowdler-tech since then! The previous post began with embarrassment at David’s classical naughty bits reddening the necks of Florida conservatives. Let’s return to David to see how advanced technology can help conservatives cover up the naughty bits and protect school kids from learning that such bits exist.

One of the largest 3D printing projects ever was a full-scale David replica printed for the 2020 exposition in Dubai. The University of Florence, which ran the project in collaboration with Sweden’s Hexagon, insisted on faithful replication—of everything. So, to protect the sensibilities of conservative Muslims, David was presented to the public only from the shoulders up. The elite could ogle his nether parts from a restricted viewing room downstairs.

While faithful 3D replication wouldn’t help Florida conservatives, it points to the obvious next step—to replace naughty public statuary with modern bowdlerized alternatives. To explore this idea, I arranged an online call with Dave Bower, a sales director for the industrial 3D fabricator SpeedBust, which specializes in rapid delivery of public artworks, and with Mrs. Snow, ‘Matron Chaperone’ of Moms for Decency, a Florida based group that splintered from a national Moms group. The fandango that follows has been edited for brevity.

Mrs. Snow didn’t use the camera, but her voice was sharp, her enunciation crisp.

“We are opposed to threesomes,” she was quick to avow. “That’s an important distinction. Our goals are to preserve the purity of childhood and to encourage correct thinking in schools, aligned with our governor’s ideals.”

Gil: “Do you see sculpture being important in that regard?”

Mrs. Snow: “Oh, certainly. I’ll give you an example. In my local high school library, there are—there were—two statues. Plaster replicas. They aren’t very big, but they’re noticeable. One is a classical lady, Greek or Russian or something, the goddess of history, I think …”

Gil: “Perhaps Athena?”

Mrs. Snow: “Well, I can’t say for sure, but she has a lot of clothes on, quite a lot. And a helmet too.”

Gil: “Athena or Minerva, then.”

Mrs. Snow: “The important thing is she has a lot of clothes on. It’s quite appropriate. But there’s another, a man with a little harp thing, and, well, nothing else. He’s entirely naked!”

Gil: “That’d be Apollo, god of music and art.”

Mrs. Snow: “In his birthday suit! Well, except that the library hung a sign around his neck that covers him a bit because of a previous complaint. The point is, the girls and boys make inappropriate jokes I’m sure, and they peek, and it is a distraction and it is not educational and not christian. And as if that isn’t enough, there are books in there filled with pictures of worse statues than that! Naked women and naked men, Roman or Polish or whatever, and sometimes they are naked together in the same picture! It’s obscene and pornographic and it all has to go. We used our board influence to have that offensive statue removed, and our chapter is working on the books.”

Gil: “Do you think sculpture has any place in schools?”

Mrs. Snow: “Of course! Through the board, we are encouraging the school to replace the obscene stature with an inspirational one, such as a bronze of Governor DeSantis, only they complain about the cost.”

Gil: “Dave, do you have any thoughts on the cost issue?”

Dave Bower had a bright, cheerful demeanor, and the sales rep’s talent to look thoughtfully engaged all the time. Business casual and a Starbucks iced Grande. He was evidently taking the call from his office.

Dave: “Good question, Gil. Traditional bronze is expensive because of the inefficient way it’s made. Steps like modeling, making a mold, wax casting, investment casting, …”

Dave was obviously knowledgeable about the traditional process. I’ve skipped a bit for brevity.

“A large trad statue can take years, and it’s the devil to transport and install. That’s why the monumental public works—” Dave raised his Grande for emphasis. “The works that have impact, that elevate the subject, that send a message to the populace—they’re only put up in major urban centers. Or they’re made of crude materials like concrete that don’t hold detail and really attract pigeon shit.” After a second, he nodded toward the unseen Mrs. Snow. “Excuse my Greek.”

Mrs. Snow made a little noise of acceptance.

Gil: “What if you want to make a change to a traditional statue? You know, reflect a more conservative sensibility?”

Dave: “Great question, Gil. Sure, times change. Between the Renaissance and now … well, we know what those people were like, eh Mrs. Snow?” Dave winked, presumably at the invisible Mrs. Snow, then shook his head regretfully. “You’re basically limited to add-on fig leaves.”

Mrs. Snow: “It should be clothes!”

Dave: “Absolutely! But just try revising bronze or marble that way.” [Laughs]

Gil: “Okay, to cut to the chase, can advanced technology like 3D printing and AI help?”

Dave: “Super ques—well, you could be working for us.” [Laughs] “Honestly, the biggest advance in the past few years has been on the materials side. Everyone’s seen that weak, brittle plastic used in consumer printers, but that’s not what we’re talking about. Large format commercial printers like ours use ABS or resins or Nylon or even carbon composite. More durable than marble, tougher than bronze, a tenth of the weight and a hundredth of the cost. And the speed—well, our biggest printers can produce a great public statue, ready for finishing and installation, in a single print run. Conceptualization to realization of the dream in a day.”

Gil: “So you could mass-produce—”

Dave: “Sorry to interrupt, Gil, but I gotta correct a common misconception. It isn’t about mass production any more; that’s old school. It’s about expressing individual preferences instantly and cheaply. Yes, instant gratification in public statuary. Let me give an example.” Dave had leaned forward and his eyes sparkled. He was in his element now. “Imagine we have an election coming up—”

Gil: “No need to imagine.”

Dave: [Laughs], “Yeah, sure. I mean, imagine that one candidate wants to get his … I mean, their administration off to a running start. To stamp his mark on history on day 1, to show the people who’s boss, you know? So, this candidate’s party places (we’re talking off the record here, you know?) maybe has placed a big order to go in November for delivery on inauguration day. Ten thousand larger-than-life statues of the president for display in every city and large town in the US, right in front of the legislature or town hall.”

“Mrs. Snow, in an awed voice: “Truly inspirational!”

Dave, leaning in: But here’s what’s special, here’s what could never be done before: each one will be different, each one customized by the Re— … by the party leadership in the state or city where it will be installed. Each one styled to have maximum beneficial impact on the local populace. To awe or cow or to be idolized or worshiped as may be. And that’s possible because we use GenAI in the design stage. A party official simply describes what he wants in plain English, and out pops a statue that fits. Still with guardrails, of course; always monumental, of course. But it could be with a laurel, a crown, standing, seated, more severe, more cheerful, a thumbs-up, a wave … infinite possibiliites, right?”

Gil: “Color choice?”

Dave: “Absolutely. Robot-painted with highly durable paints. Gold is the most popular, but the red, white, blue, yellow, orange combo is also in demand.”

Mrs. Snow. “And clothes, not like that awful …”

Dave: “Always clothes. Always.”

Mrs. Snow: “Can we have Governor DeSantis, too?”